i don't want perfect things
i made this blog so i can write about my gender journey and there's this one post i'm making and i'll eventually post it but, for now, i've been thinking about how much i don't really like "good" or "perfect" things. or even if i want them. this reflects very much on my view on being trans.
it's on quotes because the definition of good can be hard to pin down because i do like good things, of course. a good meal, a good movie, having a laugh with your friends... stuff like that. they're good and just like many people, i like those things as well.
my issue is more when they tell me i should live a good life.
because, being quite honest, i don't know what that means
well, i do of course. but this life i'm supposed to be living, does it makes me or you happy? do you think i think i'll enjoy or eventually learn how to "like it" having this good life, even after i said multiple times i didn't wanted to?
because honestly, i don't think that "having a husband that greets me and my kids after he comes back from work and i should have done the dinner by the time he's here" is really my vibe. what i seems to enjoy people think it's not much enjoyable or that i'm crazy for rejecting these "good" things.
let's start by saying that i don't want a husband. i don't want to marry or much less date a guy. growing up in a house full of cishet woman made me quickly realize that a man is not a want for me.
second that i don't want to be a wife. maybe because of my mother but with time i learned that's not for me. i never enjoyed this label, never felt good to put me in that. guess this was the first biggest sign i wasn't a woman.
never thought myself as husband, tho. i've always been "too correct" to try to think in a way i wasn't able to but i like the sound of being a provider, a helper, a protector. i like taking care of myself and being responsible for my things and my stuff; what is important and meaningful for whatever reason.
my goal was always making money with what i enjoy and hanging out with my friends. this never sound so bad but people would turn their heads confused because i didn't wanted more. i never understood why they wanted more in the first place. the best i wanted was to be different, but not in an universal way but rather make a difference to someone but nothing much richier, much fancy and complicated.
i don't want many followers on social midia or being famous and having millions of money. just enough so i can maintain my own house and volunteer in a dog shelter.
people always wanted to put me in places and locations and ideas and i understand now that i can't change the way they see me but what's frustrating is when they talk and act like i am for sure those things they imagine i am. i dislike being placed in an idea because it usually doesn't fits my comfort. i don't know what my comfort is but i do - finally - know what i don't enjoy and honestly i just wished people could respect me on that.
the funny thing about the word "trans" is that it means "across", "over", "beyond" and similars. so, in a way, i guess i always been a trans hah.
also i like the idea of being "beyond the gender". i'm starting to enjoy the word transgender. don't try to pin me on what 'gender' i am. im just trans. that's enough for me to be honest.